Dear Grandpa,
My last
few weeks have been hell. I have been through anger, tears, depression, loneliness,
loss, and grief. My brain never shuts
down. I am consoling mom, taking care of kaleigh, and holding in my feelings.
After I found out you were gone my world stopped. I felt crushed and like a piece
of my heart had fallen off. You were loving, funny, and finally starting to
come to my activities. Why did you want to leave me and go somewhere else?
You
were so proud of me making Happiness this year. We started to bond over show
choir and you truly enjoyed coming and watching me preform. My performance at
Kennedy you couldn’t make it to because you had to work and you promised you
would come to my going out concert in May. Why did you break my promise? You
swore you were going to be there to see my shining face on the stage that you
had become to love.
I am
growing up and we just talked about my graduation and eighteenth birthday coming
up. The feeling of pride that overcame you that I was going to graduate made me
so proud to be your granddaughter. Your enthusiasm towards my high academic achievements
always pushed me to continue trying even when I wanted to give up. I am almost
an adult and about to become a young woman. My wedding would soon be around the
corner and you were going to be there for me, seeing me create my future. Great-grandchildren
were in your future to play with just like you did with me. Why did you not
want to witness my future that is laying ahead of me?
What am
I left with now? I am always upset and try and hold it in. I cry when no one is
around and then curse you out. If you were here I would hit you and then hug
you so much. The only thought that runs through my mind was did you not think
of me? You were always there for me and promised to continue to be. Did you not
imagine the pain I would feel, the guilt that would overcome me, the
overwhealming amount of greif I will feel. I cannot handle hearing the words
death or kill me. We sing songs in choir that make me choke up every time we
sing them. I am singing a solo that makes me feel that I am singing to you. I
was so looking forward to you being at that concert to cheer me on.
All
that I wish is that I could have known what was going on in your mind. Why you didn’t
take one second to analyze the situation. It was so vivid and painful. Walking
through your house feels wrong, and thinking of how it happened is wrong. I
have nightmares of you falling on the bed and screaming out in pain. You are
asking for help and once it happened you were wanting to take It back. I have completely
transformed into a new person who is cold and hollow. I can feel no emotions
except sadness. I fake being happy for others to see. I want to be able to know
the logic behind your thinking.
Please, pretty please give me some answers so I will feel
better.
With all my love,
Your granddaughter Karlie
No comments:
Post a Comment