maybe i am not who you think i am

God gave us life, and our parents mold us into what we should become, but what happens when you feel like you have grown up and that’s not you? Recently I have been looking at my life and realizing that I am not who I think I am.

I was raised as a princess. Not to raise a spoiled brat but as the prize daughter who was an only child who deserved what she gets. I was blessed to get whatever I wanted and be good at everything that I do. I always am up to date with the new in style and dressed to the nines. I am a type a personality who needs everything to fit together and run smooth. I need to have good grades, have everyone like me, look the best and feel in control.

Recently I have been realizing maybe this isn’t me. Maybe I have to high of standards, or I am trying to be to perfect. Well I mean what even is perfection? Who is to say im perfect? I manipulate and pull people close and then hurt them. I am ruining relationships with people who are important to me. Pushing away the ones who I really want and was going for the ones I thought I wanted. Now is the time to change. I need to evaluate and introvert myself to see how I am. Wear sweatpants not always all put together, and maybe get a bad grade, and not make a mistake.

I feel like I am held to such high standards I cannot be the girl that makes mistakes. I need to say what the hell! I am not perfect I am just a human being in this big spinning world. The act needs to disappear and people need to see the real me. The Karlie Keeney I know I am, that girl that may not be who you think.

Hello, im Karlie and I am not who you think I am. I break down inside all of the time. I wear a mask infont of everyone so they don’t see what I feel. I sing love songs all of the time to comfort myself, and blare rap music in my car. I day dream of the world being different. I like sports! Shopping is not all I do. I get good grades just act dumb. Half of my friends are fake. I everyday am slowing breaking myself down by pushing my limits of life while I have an illness. I was bullied in middle school. And if I don’t change to being myself I am slowly killing myself.

On the outside I look like nothing is wrong but on the inside there is a completely different person that no one knows. No one besides a few take a chance to get to know. If only you knew me.

When the leaves fall i fall.

Fall time is known for the beauty of the leaves and the traditions it brings. To me fall signifies being at the top of the world. When I was a little girl every fall season my mom would take me Downtown to get almond bark from a little candy store where she went when she was a little girl too. We would ride around in the car and look at the leaves all through out Ellis Park. Stopping by the water to enjoy our snack we would then continue on to running through the leaves and walking on trails we never knew of.  We would always say that the trees looked like a quilt made up of yellows, oranges, and reds, with a little hint of green. As my mom would say, “When I was  young I would want to stand on top of those trees and touch the sky.”

Yesterday was the beginning of me being back on the top of the world. We get up to the cool morning air, leaving to go run some errands like a typical day. Im not feeling the greatest, had a lot of things on my mind, and was just tired. We stop at Starbucks and I know the day is going to get better. A pumpkin spice latte makes any fall day and to make it better we went to Ellis Park. I felt like a little kid again. Cool breeze, warm drink in hand, and reminiscing on the past like it was the best times of my life. At that instant everything was surrene and okay. No problems, fears, or doubts. It was like I was completely consumed in this perfect universe.

As we are driving along I see a leave fall. I think of myself as a leave, or life as a leave. You mature and grow learning throughout your life. You make close friends and have heart breaks. Overcome challenges and are comforted through the rough ones. You go through all of these hoops to do what? Fall. The leave comes tumbling down, flowing like this was its purpose. The leave matured and grew, and now was dying. Yet seemingly I felt that the leave is content with leaving. He lived through his purpose in life and now is letting another generation blossom to do the same.

What was the leaves purpose? To inspire me, to create memories, and signify peace. In that instant I was transferred back in time, to when the world was different and everything was calm. Showing that I can make it through anything and that everything will be alright. So this fall I climbed to the tops of those trees just like my mother said and I was on top of the world.

Homecoming, good or bad?

Kennedy High School Homecoming. Known for the good DJ and the best times. Well 2012 was a different story. Everyone arrives as normal, takes the same boring pictures with the same boring background. You go to coat check and turn in your things and are ready to dance! I get out on to the dance floor find some friends and start going hard! Now this year we did have some rule changes and what were these rules again? Oh yeah, no hands on the floor and clothes stay on. Okay, everyone should be able to follow that rule. About 30 minutes into dancing the music stops… And then we hear Mr. Johnson’s voice on the sound system. “No bumping and grinding, everyone needs to face their partner.” Say what now! That was not a rule!

Of course all the kids were booing and outraged so what did we all do? Well we grinded facing each other, they said we had to face our partner. Now let’s logically think this through, dancing not facing is your date is okay but we can be body on body facing forwards? This is more like having sex than the other way! Many kids continued to grind facing the supposed wrong way (I included) and began to be kicked out. We were all outraged with the idea that we were following the set rules and now are being kicked out for a stupid reason! My group and I went and got our stuff and were ready to leave when a friend came up and said Dr.W said it was okay to grind, it was not a set rule.

Imagine how many parents would have been outraged if we would have left after they spend money on the dress, hair, tan, makeup, nails, dinner, and pictures to have us leave an hour into the dance! As soon as the news came that we could grind I put my stuff back and was out on the floor. I was going to dance no matter what. We eventually found a group of show choir kids we like to hang out with and we all had a great time! Sweating so hard and fist pumping like crazy! Or taking turns dancing in the middle of the circle. Sometimes it is good to break the rules and have a fun time. As I would say, You only live life once.

Butterflies can change the world

Butterflies, I’m not talking the ones that fly away and are pretty to look at. Im talking the ones you get on roller coasters, when you do something well, or when someone makes you just feel special. All of these can feel amazing and give you a different adrenaline rush and a sense of belonging.

Example one, you’re in class and the guy that your  into is looking at you. It’s one of those intuition things where you don’t need to see it you can feel it. So you turn around and when he sees you looking at him he quickly turns away. You just find it the cutest thing in the world and turn back around and can’t stop smiling! Then the rest of the day all you think about is that moment when he made you smile. As I have said before girls over-analyze any move a guy makes so the guy needs to watch out. So she’s into you and you know it but she’s talking to another guy in class, she’s trying to make you jealous.  She tries super hard to look good just to get a comment from you every day to know that you’re still interested. The major one is jealousy. She loves the guy to be jealous, but hates it when she is.

Example two, you wake up in the morning super early and have no motivation to get ready. Then your phone lights up and you have a new message. You open it and see “good morning.” That’s when your morning turns from okay to great. Then you can’t wait to see them at school. Once you start texting for the day then you don’t want to stop. Even though we all know we can’t text in every class that we have. Whole over-analyzing thing comes into play again. Getting a message with to many periods to a girl means that the guy is bored with the conversation. When he says something sweet, he just made the girls day and she is feeling great. Those complements when the girl gets asked why she’s so smiley are the best to have. In texting the girls most favorite thing is when a guy will call her sweet and affectionate names. When the words babe and cutie come into play they know they have the girl hooked.

Example three, you talk in person and make eye contact. Once you do that you know the guy is into you because he isn’t afraid to look at you. When you can have long discussions and even when there is silence and it’s not awkward is the best. You can just talk on and on and feel so comfortable with the person it’s like you’ve known them forever. Then you start to flirt a little and it makes it even better. The best thing to me as a girl is when the guy isn’t afraid to talk on the phone and will say “hey call me.” It shows that you have good enough communication that it’s okay to hear each others voice and not only text. Then you can hear and convey real emotion that’s going on. Another great thing about talking is if you get along with the guys friends. If the friends like you it’s going to work out. A man can never be without four key things, food, sleep, sexual needs, and his friends. The guy might be into you but the friends aren’t distracted to see the flaws in the girl. So if the friends approve the guy can know that she is okay to date and be with.

The monarchy butterfly is a great analogy to the butterflies in your stomach. They both are beautiful and you can’t live without. Both provide joy and happiness, and lead to great things in life. So go ahead and give someone the butterflies today. Who knows it might bring a little more joy into your day too.

Sisters are awesome!

My sister is a unique human being. She is the youngest in the family but sometimes acts the most mature. She is the loudest but then can be quiet as a mouse. She can take everything in a literal sense or she can have the biggest imagination. Well guess what? I love her anyways and you cant have her!

Kaleigh was born seven years ago. We are ten years apart and I love it! When she came to be I was in awe shock, so excited I nearly peed. Come to think of it maybe I did alittle when I found out, just kidding! J Well anyways she is the best sister you could ever ask for! This munchkin who is so little I would probably say is my best friend.

Last night I got home from showchoir and open the door to find my little sister awaiting me. She said “SISSY SISSY, LOOKIE!” I look down and what do I see but a hole in her mouth. She lost a tooth and is very excited. Which as a kid so was i. Now here comes the most awesome part of the story. She is going to meet the tooth fairy I am told. My mom looks over at me and I look at my sister with a curious look on my face. Shes going to meet the tooth fairy? I never got to do that! That’s impossible I say! Well guess what! Its not! I learned from my sister that it is possible and it will happen! So all night she goes and struts around the house knowing she will meet her and I wont.

Now we do fight, but it is about stupid stuff. More like pointless stuff that doesn’t matter and we always still love eachother! So mother read this to little Kay Mai and let her be proud that she is on a blog! I love you little sissy! (Yes I did just call you sissy you butt! Or should I say lady gaga butt ;)

Rockin the 70's

The 70’s are back! I hear a women say when I was out shopping the other day. I turn around and look to see what she is talking about. Well she was looking at the clothes in all of the stores filling Lindale mall. This random but accurate woman hit the point on the head. Crazy colors and random print is back in style!

This past weekend I went shopping at the mall. As I come up to American Eagle I see these must have jeans. They were purple with rainbow colored leaves on them and I thought they were the bee’s knees as they used to say. As I cruise the store I find even more vivid prints and colors to wear. I find a pair of blue jeans. Not like the denim blue jeans you would wear daily but the jeans were a color of teal blue! Instantly I grabbed them and knew I had to have them. I keep looking at the jeans and see another cool, crazy pattern. They were a tie-dye mix of light and dark wash jeans, to die for! Now, new (but yet old) jean styles may look cool but another thing to debate is, are they practical?

The answer to this obvious question is, depends on the person! Since the vibrant and weird combinations are hitting the style charts nice and high we could say they work. Yes, this is true because it doesn’t matter what you wear with them. From sweaters, tanks, even funky designs it all works. Then for the other side of the fact. Here is a key example, I saw hot pink skinny jeans and wanted them right away. Well neon colors are in for the summer but now its fall, so soon they will go out of style till next spring. Another point to think of is are you adventurous enough to take on the challenge. Are you okay with the bold prints and crazy pants? Are you cool with the mismatching of your outfit? If your answer is a no then don’t waste the money on the new jeans.

Now I’m not saying everyone that is not adventurous shouldn’t wear cool clothes, just tone it down a little. The tie-dye jeans might suit better than my beloved purple feather pants. Once you decide on what you want make sure you be proud of whom you are and rock your style! You own it girl!

 

                                                 

That awkward moment in class...

I am a very book smart person, but god did not bless me with the ability to have common sense. Last week I was sitting in US History class and we are learning about immigration and urbanization. We were discussing how many people come to the United States every day. One hundred and eighty five to be exact with you. In Mr. Fontana’s class we all have fun and don’t judge answers but answer should’ve been judged. Mr. Norris my student teacher was saying that one hundred and eighty five new American’s come every day during that time period. I respond with “That’s a lot of babies!” Everyone turns around and starts laughing. After I say the comment I realize what I’ve said. All I can do is laugh and I found it funny too! I receive the answer of “No Karlie it’s the amount of immigrants coming to the us, but that was funny!”
 I am the type of girl who doesn’t get embarrassed by these sorts of things. I just make a laugh out of it and move on. Later in class the question gets asked “how do women during this time period make money?” Well if we use what we know about these days prostitution is a way many poor women make money. So as I was applying my skills I blurt out, Prostitution! Well everyone turns around and looks at me…again! Well my answer was valid and I made it funny! That is a viable way to make money then and now days so why wouldn’t it work?  So over the last week I have learned a few things about myself. I need to try and think through what I say before I say it. One of these days I am going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and we might have a problem.  People also need to get used to my personality which I have a feeling my teachers are used to now. I might not be super common sense smart but I sure make things fun! So give those blonde people a chance because we arent as bad as you think!

Mother knows best.. AGAIN!

My mother will always advise me on everything in life. It normally goes in one ear and out the other because I just don’t want to hear it. Just because I am not listening does not mean I do not absorb it because trust me I do.

Last night I had a mother knows best moment. It was about six o clock when I was getting ready to leave for work. It was a floor set night so I could wear whatever I wanted and the mall would be closed so no one would even see me. I would be getting dirty anyways so I threw on some sweats and off I went. Right before I left my mother tells me to put on some shoes that cover my feet so that if I drop something I don’t hurt my feet. Did I listen? Of course not! I put on my favorite sandals and off I went. I get to work and am assigned the redo the long sleeve shirt section in a new layout. This requires climbing up on the ladder and moving hooks around and then pulling down the ten pound shelves and replacing them. I was on a roll and doing quite well with my job. Organizing, pulling shelves down, putting them back up, then re-hanging things. I finish my job with ease after about an hour. I was surprised I had not hurt myself yet with climbing up the ladder full of shirts in hand and then the whole move this ten pound shelve thing. I talk to my boss and she has me then go help a coworker with moving the jean wall to the other side of the store (might I add was a stupid idea to switch the sides anyways, but oh well). As I am transferring the jeans and shelving again back and forth I haven’t hurt myself. I am placing the lowest level of shelving on the wall when it happens! The shelve falls out of my hand and guess where? Right smack onto my foot! You bet I cried out in pain and end up limping the rest of the night. I get home and it hurts to put bed covers on it and my mother asks what’s wrong. I then have to admit that she was right by answering the question. “Well I dropped a shelve on my toes at work and now they hurt really badly.” I look down waiting for the laughter to begin. Then I hear the ultimate question “What shoes were you wearing Karlie?” I don’t even have to respond to the question she knows I was wearing the wrong shoes. So this blog goes out to mom, for always being right (unfortunately).

i may be smalll but i can eat!

I am one small chick, weighing in at about 110 pounds. I’ll let you in on a secret though this little girl can eat! Every day about second period my stomach starts growling and I start to dig through my bag for my daily snack.
 I ate some peanut butter crackers and then I ate princess gummies. They filled me up for about one class period then again I was hungry. In Concert Choir today I started getting hungry again. Now today I made the fatal mistake of not listening during announcements. I had no clue of what was for lunch which is a horrible thing! When the boys are singing in choir I kick back and dream of a good meal for lunch. The bell rings and we are dismissed to go eat. I survey the options and decide on and go with main line. It was peperoni sandwich and it didn’t sound too bad until I get in line and get it. I sit back down in the choir room and take a nice bit and its cold. Freezing Frackin cold. I was so mad that I about flipped my lid! I starve all day to then get this! I have the stomach of a man not a girl! So i need fed!Then comes in my other friends and I see that it was a Pizza Hut day! I start to have the discussion with my friends how school food has gone downhill. First they cut back the amount of bread and meat we can have and substitute it with fruits and veggies. Don’t get me wrong I like my fruits but not in substitution for a roll or a nice piece of meat! Then the choices of the fruit and veggies are not the best. I walk up today and see this brownish muck on the plate and ask what it is and they say its Sweet Potatoes. I don’t eat Sweet Potatoes! Then after having us change the food we get they change the rules too! If you do not get a fruit or a veggie and or a milk they charge you more! Maybe I don’t want to eat that same nasty stuff today! To make it even worse they don’t let you know what you need to have or if you need to grab something more so that you’re at the correct level. Then my mother gets mad when she has to pay more money for the same ol crappy food that im getting. So officially school food LITERALLY sucks!

All i have to say is why?

I have been pondering an important question ever since I was about six years old. Why do teachers feel the need to give homework? When you start kindergarten you are all excited to become a big kid and get to go to school. It is a new and exhilarating experience. You get your own supplies and your own desk, you get away from mom and dad to become a big kid for five out of seven days of the week. School keeps going and you hit about third grade. School is still fun with specials and recess time, but then it happens. In class you learn a new concept , called homework. You go to school for six hours a day and then go home and get to do more work on your free time. At first you think its kind of cool that you get to teach your parents about what your doing and that you are maturing. Then school continues and we get older.
 Now were in middle school and for the first time we get textbooks and it is the coolest thing to us. We have a locker and a bigger school. Well you soon find out what that locker is for, holding your stuff for homework. You thought elementary school had a lot of homework well middle school gets worse. Instead of getting a little star for doing your work you get grades. Those grades don’t depend on if you complete the work but on if you do it right. You get to the end of your middle school years thinking that you made it through when you make it to high school. Freshman orientation you are told you will have fun in high school and its not to hard. Then you start school. Teachers believe we should blossom into young adults who can manage ourselves all of the sudden. We need the tools to learn that. Take me for instance I participate in show choir and two seasons of cheerleading and take two AP classes. I literally spend my whole day at school. I get up at the crack of dawn and stay at school till nine. Then come home to do homework. I know teachers always say “quite your complaining, its only and hour of homework.” What they don’t understand is I take seven classes a day. Not one. That’s seven hours of homework starting at nine o clock at night! So my question is, why not cut back on the homework or give us more time in class?

Singing is offically my life..

Singing is something everyone can do. You don’t need to be good at it or even know the words as long as you’re having fun.  Well I am a member of Happiness Inc. and let me tell you singing may be for fun, but it is hard core when you’re in a dedicated group. This weekend we had Brett Caroll singing sensation come to visit us. We were all stressed out awaiting the arrival because we knew hard work was ahead. For the past week we had blown dancing to the side and started hitting the books (okay well pages). We were trying to perfect ever note ever to have come out of our mouths. Well perfection isn’t easy. Even though were pretty dang close to it. I belived we sounded pretty amazing as this group of fifty or so singers who all loved to sing. As the last two days had progressed we built into a more vicious machine of power. It reminded me of a snowball rolling down the hill, where as it keeps going it keeps growing.
Friday night we start with learning new forms and ways to position our singing so we will have enough we need to claim the win. “Ping” or “more ping” was filling my head. Ping is jargon for having a vibration in your nose when your singing, so that you know you’re not singing in the back of your throat but the front of your mouth. Another thing we have to hear is more space. Drop the jaw, or diction. Throughout all of this structure you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We gradually work our way into our songs but then again the long and agonizing structure of breaking it down begins. We can sing one line and then hear stop. Try it again. No this way. Not that way. That’s what we get all night long. One measure, maybe even a couple notes. Friday night ends, and Saturday comes around. This day is intense. The most crucial point of the show choir season has begun. Combining dance and singing is the most crazy day of your life. Trying to keep the pace of the dance moves but not mess up your rhythm of singing. We continue to start and stop but it gradually begins to come together. So may I say, the beginning of the madness has began.

Stunts and Bruises

Cheerleading. Most frequently known for the girls in short skirts who are the most blonde girls you know. Now this may be true but staying that cute and in shape is some hard work! We practice like any other team. Not saying we are a sports team, but our practices are hard! When we condition we condition like no other running around the track way to many times for me. Okay three to be exact.. but that’s enough to break a sweat for any girl. We don’t lift weights but we do lift people.
So call us whatever you want but we can kick some butt if we needed too. Bruises are in our daily vocabulary because we may lift them but we don’t always catch them. People do not associate the word cheerleading with “high risk” but essentially it is. Throughout my three years of high school cheerleading we’ve had broken clavicles, sprained tailbones, many broken fingers, and even some concussions thrown in there. Stunting in cheerleading is ranked one of the most dangerous activities to take part in. This is up in the top of the list with football! When that girl comes falling down from way up high your heart stops. You have no time to think, breath, or freak out. Your adrenaline starts pumping and your instincts jump in to take control. You just scramble to catch her with all you can even if that means you getting hurt. I have first-hand been the girl who took a blow to the chest just to save a team mate. Stunt goes up good, check. She’s in the air, check. She falls down not check. As the flyer comes catapulting down at me I absorb her fall into my chest. The flyer is okay but I am definitely not. I ended up have a fractured clavicle, for you that don’t know what that is it’s the two bones that go across your chest that look like chicken wings. My point, cheerleaders should get some credit too. We work our butts off to support our team and get hurt in the process. We do look good I will give you that one and trust me for some that takes work too. So just because we are loud and crazy come get crazy with us and yell alittle louder! “WE don’t lift weight, we just lift people, No big deal”